When we are in love, we say that we have butterflies in our stomach,
Does this mean that butterflies have humans in their stomach?
It is important to understand that different cultures look at love – or the meaning of love – in different ways. These cultures all have different understandings of the concept.
The British understanding of love is very different from that of the rest of Western Europe. The British, in general, are not at ease with their own feelings and sentiments. For rather a lot of British youth, the idea of love is pretty much synonymous with that of going to a pub or club, getting drunk and making love on the bonnet of a car, in the toilets or on someone else’s steps (Saturday Night, Sunday Morning, film – 1960).
Even when young Brit’s go abroad to places where discotheques are the normal venues for flirtation, alcohol is still the common denominator. After all, alcohol robs one of one’s inhibitions.
Unlike romantic movies from the English speaking USA, romantic films in the made in the UK are often about characters who struggle with the feelings that they have towards others. This is a common trope in the British Film Industry. And these awkward characters are like a mirror held up to the real youth of Britain. Love and sex are often confused and the youth is often portrayed as a clumsy and difficult individual (Gregory’s Girl, 1981) prone to uncomfortable and embarrassing behaviour (Deep End, 1970) and (About a Boy, 2002). The list of inept characters goes on and on in films like Bridget Jones (2001) and Love Actually (2003).
The words “romantic” in English and “romantique” in French were both in common use as adjectives in 1800. These words were often used as a means to praise natural phenomena (such as views and sunsets). Back then the words lacked the implicit sexual connotations that we now associate with the concept of romance. For instance: “I seek and find the romantic among the older moderns, in Shakespeare, in Cervantes, in Italian poetry, in that age of chivalry, love and fable, from which the phenomenon and the word itself are derived” (Michael Ferber). In English literature, the group of poets now considered the key figures of the Romantic Movement included William Wordsworth, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, John Keats, Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley and William Blake. They wrote about nature and life and grand political and spiritual ideals… Not drunken romantic encounters on car bonnets and in pub car parks.
How then is the romantic culture of today so different to that of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries?
For the most part our continental cousins are more romantic than the British. But being British is more of a culture than it is a statement of one’s belonging to any specific ethnic group. Britain has always been a melting pot for culture in Western Europe. It has been a place where new ideals are tested first and where socio-cultural trends tend to move at a faster pace than they do on the continent. Two major events helped to shape the shift in British thinking when it comes to the concept of romance. Where the romantic poets were inspired first by the European Enlightenment and then by the French Revolution the entertainers of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries began to turn their attention to the effects of the industrial revolution (around which time writers such as Dickens and Hardy and Bronte began to question traditional romantic ideals) and then the First World War (during which writers such as Owen and Sassoon turned their poetry away from the celebration of love and focussed more openly on the cynical and wounded world in which they lived). And then came the Second World War. It changed everything for the British Entertainment Industry. After the British and the Americans had worked so closely together during the Second World War a closer cultural alliance developed between the two nations. The British started to forget about the continental movies, songs, theatre and arts practices in which theirs were rooted and turned westward. British ideals began to change to be more like American ideals. The common language and the appeal of America’s massive cultural development and economic prosperity made it easier (and lazier) for the British to see more of themselves in the USA than they did in the war torn and recovering countries of their ancestral Western Europe.
Here in 2014 a number of American romances are making their way to British televisions but for young people across the country programs such as Skins and The Inbetweeners are still seen as the most accurate portrayals of teenage British… “romanticism”. These programs are rich in what has become a traditional sort of cynicism. They are social commentaries that unfold through stories of failed people leading failing lives. They show us young people who are caught in a trap between childhood and adulthood and who are being forced to be both youthful and mature at the same time. These characters first rebel and then become jaded. These shows usually celebrate the love and camaraderie that these characters feel for one another but they also celebrate the irony of that love’s inability to change the world with a sense of gallows humour. They are tragic comedies for a young audience. And much of this may be true of a young person’s real life in Britain – but it cannot help but send a pessimistic and depressing message to the youth of today. It cannot help but state in rather bold lettering… “THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ROMANCE. ROMANCE IS DEAD AND LOVE HAS CHANGED.”
So what is Love?
“How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?” — Albert Einstein. Well, as the forensic anthropologist Dr. Temperance “Bones” Brennan would say: “love is associated with the hormones vasopressin and oxytocin as the brain is driven by dopamine”. As dopamine is a neurotransmitter that helps control the brain’s reward and pleasure centres, all we need are the right drugs and we will be able to decide when, how and if to fall in love or not.
But, falling in love is the most exhilarating of all human emotions and it is almost certainly nature’s way of keeping the human species alive and happily reproducing. Do we really want science to control serotonin and adrenaline too? Love is not only chemistry. It is also energy – in particular, a flow of energy – and it is our innate cultural recognition of this relationship between energy and power that leads us to establish terms such as ‘the power of love’. The answer, at large, is that we adore the feeling that love gives us. It is a feeling of community and trust that bolsters our understanding and acceptance of other human beings and helps carry on in life – though some people even desire that horrible feeling of a broken heart – because the act of being in love is that of giving someone the power to break your heart, but trusting them not to.
Interestingly, the US film industry has given us some great love stories in the form of romantic movies…
It’s a Wonderful Life (1946) – George: “What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I’ll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That’s a pretty good idea. I’ll give you the moon, Mary.”
Romeo and Juliet (1968) – Romeo: “See, how she leans her cheek upon her hand! O that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek!”
When Harry Met Sally (1989) – Harry: “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
Some of the most famous “love stories” of recent years are: Pretty Woman (1990), Notting Hill, (1999), Maid in Manhattan (2002), The Holiday (2006), 27 Dresses (2008) and so on. These are films that are all about “complicated” relationships, but relationships that exhibit the sort of attraction with where, ultimately, despite the odds, love will triumph. And this, alone, should make many readers feel tenderly pleased. The fact that movies are still made the world over on the subject it shows that a good many of us are still looking for love.
A York psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun, asked his subjects to carry out the following very short experiment:
- Find a complete stranger.
- Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.
- Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
Dr. Arun found that many of his couples felt deeply attracted after the 34 minute experiment. Love is more than something physical and it is more than something romantic, emotional or even mental – it’s all of these combined. “Love is inherently free. It cannot be bought, sold, or traded. You cannot make someone love you, nor can you prevent it, for any amount of money. You can invite love, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself” (Dr. D. Anapol).
If you want to feel love, it is helpful first to understand the meaning of love. The initial infatuation feeling fades and you do the real work of learning how to love and be loved, something infinitely richer and sustaining. Love between people is complex – much of it is good but certainly not all. Love is what we experience in the moment in which we are with someone without feeling the need to judge that person as either “good” or “bad”. Love is complete acceptance – we don’t see anything about the person to be insufficient or not good enough. Love is completely unconditional – our love can’t be affected or lost based on words and actions. Love is completely selfless – love doesn’t need or want anything in return. Love is an act of will – both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.
How do we get there?
It is all about a boy…
We’ll do anything to impress the one we love. But where does it start?
What comes to mind is about cowboys and Indians. For several decades all boys wanted to be a cowboy or an Indian. The first one will go around with his gun and wild horse ready to shoot at anyone who stands in his way. He stands straight, quick in his actions and decisions – a real charmer with the ladies. The Indian is a more astute individual, waiting and ready for opportunities, confident in his actions and equipped with a body prone to make any squaw or pale woman faint.
If we were to ask the young boys of a generation past what they wanted to be or who their “hero” was, most of them would reply: “I want to be an astronaut” – “Batman”, “Superman”, “Zorro”, “Spiderman”, “Peter Pan”, maybe, even “Shrek”.
This is very much a men’s prerogative. Women – for the most part – mainly want to be women. We will discuss this in the detail on the “girl’s section”.
Prior to Superman (or Shrek) we had the cowboy (with his guns and his horses) and before that the medieval knight (more weapons and horses). His sword was the weapon with which he would kill the dragon and save the princess. Despite all the cynicism of our post-cold-war world this story has not gone away. While the great majority of the male population couldn’t give a hoot about Royal Weddings, the recent marriage of Prince Albert of Monaco to Charlene Wittstock and that of Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge, to Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge have been followed by millions on the basis of their appeal to the traditional concept of a “sweet romance” – Prince Charming. A dream that came true for the Duchess of Cambridge.
Boys, in general, very much mind their own business. They dream of going out with a girl but are usually busy in their own minds, saving the world to get to the their goal, laying waste to all the enemies of the gentile sex. In their minds only acts of bravery will open the door to love: it will manifest in their recognition by the girls that they desire. Their courage will not go unnoticed. This is one of the reasons why boys are more prone to acts of stupidity. They might die trying but… Should it work without injuries or embarrassment… They will go up the scale of recognition and they might win the attention of a young lady.
Most of us know that this is not in fact how things work. It doesn’t stop most men trying.
Turning our attention back to the cinema, Shrek represents the typical modern male character. That is why the film was also such a hit with the grown up audience. Shrek is more interested in his own personal life than he is in going out and looking for women. He is the typical adult male involved in sport, games, pubs, cars and so on. Women represent a part of his life but they are not the priority. When he is thrown into a dangerous situation Shrek is quick to eliminate his enemies but is clueless about what he is meant to do with Princess Fiona. As mentioned above, his masculine stupidity takes over and he tries to amuse her with feats of physical strength rather than with his natural wit and intellect.
Boys are all about guns, arrows, soldiers in the field, organizing battles, cars chasing each other, trains or trucks crashing against each other. Boys seem especially amused by any act of destruction that can be conducted with great vocal imitation. Boy love loud noises and large arm gesticulation.
These stages fade away in adulthood, but not completely. It is entirely common for a dad to simulate the noise of a plane or a motorbike while playing with his child. His fatherhood offers a fantastic excuse for the revival of his youth – and he can do it without being looked at as a right twat!
We will look at relationships later.
Girls will be girls…
Girls may look up to Cinderella (waiting for the Prince) or Superwoman (facing her enemies as a powerful and woman) but they are usually less interested in saving the world by way of conventional masculine means (which usually involve shooting people or cutting off their heads).
Young girls look at boys as something… interesting. Generally speaking girls are more forward. If babies kiss, very often the kiss comes from a baby girl.
Young children are almost identical – they share a head and arms and legs and even non-existent breasts for both genders – but boys have one extra “item”.
Sigmund Freud came up with the Freudian psychosexual development stages: (i) the oral, (ii) the anal, (iii) the phallic, (iv) the latent, and (v) the genital. During the phallic stage, the primary focus of the libido is on the genitals. At this age, (3 to 6 years old) children also begin to discover the differences between males and females. Freud believed that penis envy was never fully resolved and that all women remain somewhat fixated on this stage. Women will rarely admit to that and the response is that boys (men) cannot have children – although, at such young ages, what counts is what shows. The argument continues to this day.
Most girls are very content to play with toys that are available to them or to create their own. No crashing planes or trains and fairly few vocal imitations. In their teenage years they are mostly interested in other girls and how they look, what they do; how to get to stardom; social situations and reputation.
While boys have been boys for centuries the female gender has had to change rather rapidly in order to adapt to a very demanding world.
Many men will grin (some secretly and some openly) at the thought of the role of the wife in the tradition of the 1950s. Most modern women will think it is some sort of joke. The list below is actually true and this is how the family and wife roles were seen:
- Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
- Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
- Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
- Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
- Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
- Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.
- Be happy to see him.
- Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
- Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
- Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you.
- Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
- Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
- Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
- Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
- A good wife always knows her place.
Well… Over 60 years have gone by and a few things have changed. That kind of generation is gone from most parts of Europe and young girls and women prefer to feel equal to their boys and men.
Regardless of whether that is a manifestation of Freud’s phallic development stage or a deeper and more thoroughly rooted feminine side, there are still many tendencies in young women to ask for approval (how is my hair, my nails, my dress?) and find a man that will make one feel comfortable and secure – and provide the correct answer about how they look.
Relationships…
Who provides our security?
Parents look after us, they nourish us, they provide us with love and they sate our needs. They make us feel secure, wanted and special. They give us an education and values. The problem is that what they give us is not always provided in the right quantity and modality. We could look at this as a form of luggage – something that we will carry with us for the rest of our life.
Everyone wants security and all children should have that right. Security comes in many forms such as: love, food, a roof over our head, safety, attention, reliability and protection. Depending on our family and our upbringing one or more of these securities could be missing. For this reason our relationships with others can prove to be difficult as our partners often have a different kind of luggage to us.
Security embraces so many aspects and it makes this probably the most important issue for all of our future relationships. It has nothing to do with how we look – whether we are tall or dark or handsome – but is concerned instead with finding a partner who can provide enough security to make them happy.
At the top level we would have the rich wife that can buy all the clothes that she wants, drives the best cars, is taken to the best restaurants and holidays, has servants in the house and has a house in which children are to be seen and not heard. The more ‘realistic wife’ (as opposed to our American cousins) is the one that will share the cooking, children, bills and shopping with her husband; they spend time together with the family, relax at parks, cinemas or week-ends out and they have found in their partner the ideal person to share intimate moments and secrets.
Yes, of course, there are such relationships; if they are hard to find it is mainly because expectations now are much higher than the ones we used to have in the 1950s. Many old values have been lost due to an ever demanding world.
What are we looking for?
While women are mostly happy with security, men are still “cowboys or indians”. It may take a few hundred years, if not more, to take away this primitive posture of the hunting man – the man that will go out to hunt for food and feed the family.
The chasing or courtship is mostly initiated by the man. Women like the attention – they want to feel special and desired. Men like to hunt. The macho man, who occupies a similar position to his cousins in the animal world, will turn into a peacock. The stupidity of his younger years will still be there, on occasions. However it should have developed into a sophistication with which he will set out to charm a woman with his words and his affects. His mannerism is such that he will, gallantly, open the car door, move the chair at the restaurant or open the door for a woman at the cinema.
He will hope that a women will say: “I was swept off my feet”.
But how realistic is this in a complicated and modern world?
Romance is what we all seek but we may have different ideas about it. In the film Sleepless in Seattle (1993) a romantic exchange of messages finally placed the couple together. Some twenty years later and the Internet is our best friend in matters of courtship as, now, there are many apps that can assist us in getting into and staying in touch with everyone from friends to strangers. There are agencies that claim that they will provide us with true love and more and more are popping up on a daily basis. It has become easier for those very busy professionals to find the one that will share their lives.
The amazing thing is that – even with so much help – nothing much has gotten any easier. We still have a hard time finding the perfect partner and, in some cases, we find it difficult to find a partner at all.
In fact we could blame Cupid too. In the world in which we live, we face everyday choices. The question is: which is the right choice? How many films there are out there with stories about going out with or marrying the wrong person? This is the sad part about love – so much of it is about being in the right place, at the right time, with a world of opportunities on our side. In the film Love Actually (2003) it was clear that Mark (Andrew Lincoln) was in love with newlywed Juliet (Keira Knightly). He “finally” has the courage to tell Juliet about his feelings and this is where the cinema gives us our own choice. Some will assume that Mark will go on in his own way to finding the woman of his dreams, others might even change the plot and see Juliet leaving her husband to start a relationship with Mark. There is absolutely no right or wrong with any of the two choices or other complots that may come to mind. We all have a different interpretations and understanding of love.
Everything hinges on personal circumstances: our situation and the choices we make are always informed by who we each are.
And sadly the right time and the right place is often just not there. We may realize that we have found the perfect partner – someone with the right style, looks, values and intellect – only to find that the personal circumstances are just not on our side. And as I often say, we always risk reaching old age with no more than what is left to us – just ‘Memories and Regrets’.
Max Procaccini 